Like most people, Christmas is my favorite time of the year.
And, like my most people, I enjoy all the many wonders of the holiday – spending time with friends and family, exchanging gifts with loved ones, and celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. After all, he was a pretty cool dude.
But another reason I love Christmas so much is our annual Letters to Santa section, which just happens to publish this week. It’s fun to read each child’s Christmas list every year. Even the misspellings are cute and innocent, reminding us all of a simpler time when we were so young and the promise of a visit from Old St. Nick was the ultimate joy.
But putting all that sentimental mumbo jumbo aside, I have to admit my favorite reason for Letters to Santa. They are hilarious. Ah yes, typing through hundreds and hundreds of Letters to Santa always brings a few small nuggets of comic hilarity each year. And this year was no different.
Young Dylan has quite an extravagant Christmas list. Also, I am a little worried about what young Dylan may be planning.
“Dear Santa, Please bring me an X-box 360, Animal Crossing for my wii, a skateboard, extra fast running shoes, a jet pack, a cute dog that is real, and a real horse.”
I just hope young Dylan isn’t planning on using those extra fast running shoes to jump on the skateboard to speed up his launch on the jet pack and onto his real horse. That sounds like the making of something worse than “You’ll shoot your eye out kid.”
Which instantly takes me to one of last year’s classic letters, brought to you straight out of the famed holiday classic “A Christmas Story.”
I want a thawsen dolers for Christmas. I want a Red Riter Be Be Gun.”
I guess the thawsen dolers is in case he indeed does shoots his eye out. Let’s hope for his sake, this young man saw “A Christmas Story” and knows all about the perils of a Red Riter Be Be Gun.
Also, you have to give it to young Wyatt for his business-like approach.
“Dear Santa, How is Blixen? Now let’s get to my presents.”
Wyatt is a kid straight from my own heart. No time for chit chat. Let’s get down to brass tax. Wyatt is just a straight shooter and you’ve got to admire that. What can you do for me this year, Santa? Haha. I applaud you Wyatt.
My favorite has to come from the young mind of Noah, however. Noah appears to be readying himself for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. See for yourself.
I have been good this year. I want a PS4, phone, boots, shirts, pants, socks, underwear, $100, cake, AK47 gun, Slam City figures, pizza, 2K14, 2K15, 2K16, Call of Duty Ghost, Diary of a Wimpy Kids books, and a $5 Fill up.”
It’s good to have priorities, and clearly Noah is going to be ready when the dead do, you know, arise from the grave. When that happens, I will be searching for you Noah, and asking for your help young man.
And then there is young Vincent. Clearly Vincent doesn’t want to share. Also, it sounds like Vincent may need a shady accountant and may be off to a budding young mafia career.
I want a laptop and $1,000,000. I want you to put my brothers and sisters on the naughty list.”
Come to think of it, Vincent knocked it out of the park. Sir, I hope you don’t mind if I borrow your Letter to Santa. I believe I will ask for the same thing.
Last year brought us a couple of kneeslappers as well, such as the following request to old Kris Kringle.
I have been naughty this year. I’d really like to have a Grand Theft Auto game.”
Well hey, I mean, if you are going to start down that road to a life of crime at such a young age, you might as well own it. Well played young sir.
And you have to like the honesty in Letters to Santa. This is one from this year’s batch.
I’m good when I’m asleep. Will you bring me a go-cart?”
You sir deserve that go-cart for your no-nonsense approach. You heard that right Santa. Get this kid a go-cart.
As for me, I wouldn’t know where to begin. There’s not much I’d ask for. After all, I have everything a man could ask for – a beautiful wife, three great kids, including a precious new five-month-old baby. But if there was one thing I might ask for, it would be software that didn’t freeze up every 10 minutes. Ah yes, a new computer, so I could actually get some work done. Also, it would be really nice to reenact that scene from Office Space where they go gangster on that fax machine. If anything deserves that treatment, it is that hunk of junk called my computer.
All joking aside, each year’s Letters to Santa also make you reflect on your life and how lucky you are to have such a blessed one. Because for every comical letter and every kid asking for thousands of dollars worth of stuff, there is a letter from a child simply asking to see his dad for Christmas. Or his mom. Or to just have something as basic as a bed, which is literally the only thing one child asked for this year. Some simply just ask for their parents to get out of jail. And each one of those letters break your heart. And each one makes you wish you could play the role of Santa Claus and help each and every child struggling just to make it, much less to worry about what actual present(s) they may get for Christmas.
And on that note, regardless of what you ask Santa for, I hope every single person reading this has a very Merry Christmas.
Allen Worrell can be reached at (276) 779-4062 or on Twitter@AWorrellTCN