I guess, by now, most of you know a much of bozos in Texas want to secede from the union. Yes, they want to take their cows, oil and death penalty, and become a country of their own. Can Texas really do that you may ask? Well, according to numerous authorities, it can’t. But legalities aren’t something that Texans are all that concerned about.
Although Texas has made the most news about seceding, there have been many of other states with failed attempts at secession. There have been at least eight since1998, when some yahoo in Maryland decided that the eastern shore of that state, as well as parts of Delaware and Virginia, should secede to form the great state of … get ready for it …Delmarva. This idea was hatched by State Senator Richard Colburn, who proposed that the mushroom to be the state flower, the state fungi and the state bird. That last one earned him the Native-American name of “He Who Eats Too Many Mushrooms.”
Pima County in Arizona thought it would be better off on its own in 2011, but came up short in trying to establish Baja Arizona, while some maple syrup guzzlers in the southern part of Maine wanted to form their own state of Northern Massachusetts. Just last year, one legislator in West Virginia wanted to allow the panhandle counties of the state to secede and rejoin Virginia, which promptly began building an electrified fence along its border.
Secession attempts have surfaced in Utah, Tennessee, Rhode Island and New York. In fact, New York may own the record. One attempt would have made the state of New York a country, another would have done so for New York City, and still another would have created the state of Long Island. It was rumored that if Long Island succeeded, Billy Joel would have almost assuredly been named king.
Okay, now let’s get back to Texas, which has received the signatures of over 100,000 people on an online petition. Although most of the names are thought to be those of Texas residents, there is a chance that more than a few belong to residents of Oklahoma, which would love to see Texas out of the picture. Now, one reason, according to leader of the succession movement, Texas needs to secede from the U.S. is our country’s huge deficit. Strangely, enough when President George W. Bush, the former Texas governor, was turning a surplus into a huge deficit, there was no talk of succession. Methinks there’s other reasons behind the movement, and they ain’t pretty.
If Texas, which was a republic for a decade before joining the United States, did secede, it could then split into five states of its own. How in the name of Sam Houston could this happen? Well, in the legislation that added Texas to the union in 1845, it gave Texas the right to do so. I mean, we could have North Texas, West Texas, East Texas, South Texas, and, of course, Austin, Texas, where Texas now hides all its liberals.
Historians, such as retired professor Herb Arbuckle, say Texas can’t legally secede. Sean P. Cunningham, a professor at Texas Tech University, agrees. In fact, no one is taking this talk seriously except those yahoos in Texas.
After giving it some serious thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe we should let Texas secede. Then, we invade Mexico, take it into the union, thereby solving all this fuss about immigration. Now, that we have almost Texas surrounded, we establish a trade embargo and a naval blockade in the Gulf of Mexico to prevent any goods from going in or coming out of Texas.
Now, some of you out there probably think this is a little crazy … okay, a lot crazy, but we must keep the union together. “A house divided will not stand,” said President Abraham Lincoln. So if some of you other states get a little jumpy, you better think twice. There’s ways of dealing with turncoats. I’ve always thought that Utah would make a nice penal colony.