The Mistress of the Manor and I watched the Miss USA Pageant for a little while Sunday night before opting for reading a book and internet scrabble. Yes, really. Now, I will admit that the part of the pageant we did watch, I probably watched a little bit closer than my beloved of over 40 years so it didn’t take me long to tab the deserved winner – Miss South Carolina – but even I grew tired of the silliness of it all.

Let’s be honest, once the swimsuit competition is over, the pageant pretty much loses all its pizzazz, at least from the male perspective. I think women like the evening gown competition because of the beautiful dresses. Then there’s the intellect section where each young lovely is asked a profound question, such as “Do you prefer your boyfriend to wear boxers or briefs.” If the question is tougher than that, most of the contestants get glassy-eyed, twitch, struggle to answer coherently, and may even drool on themselves.

Who are we kidding here? Does anybody really care what any of the contestants have to say? Well, there might be a few, but, in reality, the question portion of the competition is just a ploy to make viewers believe the pageant is more than a beauty contest. Yes, a beauty pageant. Of course, the Miss America Pageant is more of the same.

Personally, I think we need to spice up these pageants with some different competitions. One I would suggest, if asked, is called the “Plain Jane” competition. Here, the contestants must appear before the judges and the viewing audience without any makeup or hair styling. That way, we can really see what they’re made of. Heck, even with tons of makeup, there are always a couple of girls who beg the question, “Is that the best Nevada can come up with?” There was one contestant Sunday night who looked like Marsha Brady after Bobby hit her in the face with a football.

I would still have the intellect competition, but I would alter it somewhat by having the contestants do shots for three solid hours prior to the pageant. Then I would ask them a question like, “Why is Soren Kierkegaard generally considered the first existentialist philosopher, and do you agree with his philosophy, why or why not?” and let the fun ensue.

Since I noticed Sunday night during a dance number that some of the girls were rhythmically challenged, I think we need a coordination competition. It would have two parts, one, the contestants would have to perform a modern dance, a pole is optional, and, two, they would have to walk the length of the stage in four-inch heels while carrying a tray full of drinks. However, to make this more interesting, once again I would have them do shots three solid hours prior to the show.

I would also have a car parking competition, the you can take that however you want, the do-I-pay-the-light-bill-or-buy-the-most-darling-shoes competition, and the how-best-to-get-out-of-a-traffic-ticket competition. These are all important things to know.

I think these changes would not only make the Miss USA and Miss America pageants more interesting, but give us all a better idea of the contestant’s abilities. I mean we don’t want just any girl representing this great country, we need to have someone who can handle herself in all situations, sober or drunk.

The Hillsville Police Department have charged two North Carolina men with Grand Larceny by false pretenses after investigating a report by two elderly women that they had been the victim of a recent scam. On June 6, two men stopped at a residence in Hillsville and informed two elderly women that their roof was in desperate need of repair, Carroll County Sheriff J.B. Gardner said Tuesday. “The two women could not go outside and look at their roof, and believed that the two men were telling the truth,” Gardner said. “After allowing the men up on the roof for 20 minutes, the men presented a bill for $3,800 but advised the ladies that they had only done $2,800 worth of work, saving them $1,000.” Several days later, the women began to believe that they may have been the victim of construction scammers and reported the incident to Sheriff Gardner. On June 17, the two men returned to the women’s’ residence and wanted to do more work for more money. The two ladies realized that the two men were the same men from the earlier incident and detained the men with a promise of more work, while pretending to call a friend, but actually calling Sheriff Gardner. Sheriff Gardner contacted HPD Capt. Junior Alderman, who was close by in the area. Alderman and HPD Officer James Dalton blocked the men’s white Chevrolet pickup in the drive way. John Ervin Ellis, Jr., 44, of Statesville, N.C., and 65-year-old Glenn Dale Anderson of Troutman, N.C., were arrested for Grand Larceny by False Pretenses by Alderman, Dalton and Gardner. Both men are being held in the New River Valley Regional Jail under $5,000 bond. Gardner would like to remind everyone that this is the time of year when construction scammers are working hard to take their money. Law enforcement asks everyone to be aware of the things that are happening in the community, especially things that look out of place. Be aware of the tag numbers and color of vehicles that look out of place and please don’t hesitate to call local law enforcement when something just doesn’t look right.

Surry County (N.C.) emergency services officials have confirmed that the man airlifted from the scene of a Friday motorcycle wreck has died.

“The incident has now become a fatality,” said Surry County Emergency Services Director John Shelton late Monday morning.

While he couldn’t confirm the exact time of death, Shelton said his department was notified Monday by officials with Wake Forest Baptist Hospital, where victim Stanley Gray Collins, 75, was taken following the accident.

Collins, of 4123 Flower Gap Road in Cana, was reportedly traveling toward Mount Airy on a Honda Goldwing around noon Friday when state Highway Patrol troopers believe he ran off the right side of the roadway, striking a utility pole and a mailbox. Shelton said the accident occurred on Pipers Gap Road in Mount Airy.

According to Shelton, Collins’ injuries were severe enough that they called for air transport to take him directly from the scene to Baptist Hospital, where he was initially listed in critical condition.