Today, we’re going to talk about selling our bodies. Now, the first thing one needs to do when thinking of selling his or her body is …. wait … I think some of you may be getting the wrong idea. I don’t mean selling our bodies in that way, you naughty monkeys. No, I’m talking about selling individual body parts, as well as excretions, to totally respectable businesses for totally legal tender. No street corners, no guy in a fur coat, no beatings.
For example, hair is a valuable commodity for wig makers and, of course, virtually painless, as long as the person doing the cutting isn’t blind, spastic, or in need of an ear for sacrifice to Cthulhu. You will probably need at least 10 inches …. Hey, I said we’re not talking about that kind of selling your body … and what you receive for your locks depends on their color, thickness, ethnicity and purity, which means most blondes need not apply.
There are also other ways to make money from your body that are fairly painless, such as selling plasma, platelets and urine. A person can get $20-60 for plasma and $20-35 for platelets. Since drug tests have become common for convicted criminals, athletes and poor people looking for work, there is a high demand for pure urine. If you have the right connections and, of course, the right urine you can sell it for as much as $200.
There are also markets for gender-specific items, such as breast milk. Yes, we’re talking big money here. A month’s supply of top notch breast milk is worth $300-$1,200, and even higher on the black market. The higher figure is for those with discriminating tastes. A woman can make up to $10,000 by selling her eggs and anywhere from $20,000 to $35,000 for renting out her womb for nine months to someone else’s baby. However, if a woman named Rosemary asks you to carry her baby, you should probably decline or, at least, demand a much higher fee.
Of course, men don’t have as much to offer as women, but can make from $35 to $100 for their sperm. I know this because, along with selling ginseng and peat moss, sperm donation is one of Rooster Edwards’ main sources of income. After spitting out three children like Weasel, Harley and Areola, Ugina told Rooster she was through; he could spread his seed elsewhere. Since no other woman was willing to rut with Rooster, he had no choice but opt for the money-making route.
Now that we’ve discussed the simpler ways to make money off one’s body, let’s talk about the more demanding ways, such as renting out space on one’s body. That’s right, some ad agencies will pay a person to advertise their product via tattoo. Rooster actually makes money off this, but not the way you may think. He is actually being paid by several companies not to advertise their product. Now, most people, who go to this extreme, wear “henna” style tattoos, which are temporary. However, if you are willing to go through life with a tattoo of Pampers on your arm or bald spot, there is big money available.
There are two other ways to sell one’s body, both of which are a little dangerous. The first is to sell your organs one by one. After all, who needs two kidneys, two lungs, two eyes and a whole liver? Good money can be made from selling these organs, but there is a problem. Either you go to Iran, the only country in the world where the selling of one’s organs is legal, or the black market route. Either way is dangerous, because so many people involved in the process want a cut. Yes, I did. Once involved in one of these deals, a person might not know they’ve sold an organ until they wake up with a nasty scar in a bathtub full of ice.
The final way to make a few extra bucks is, of course, medical trials. To me, this is pretty risky. Since pharmaceutical companies are constantly developing new drugs for virtually every affliction known to mankind, plus some that aren’t, you never know what side effects may arise. Even Rooster is wary of this endeavor. However, if you decide to be a human guinea pig, stay alert and listen closely to those running the clinical studies when they are talking to each other.
If you overhear something like “I think that guy is growing a third eye” or “His pores are getting awfully large,” well, they might be talking about you. Another giveaway that the trials are going badly is if all mirrors are taken from the walls at the testing facility and your lunch is served on the tip of a stick. And if you wake and find all your organs are now on the outside of your body, it might be time to exit the trials and go into business for yourself as a street corner organ vendor.