Last updated: June 12. 2014 9:14AM - 856 Views
By Michael Howlett

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The Mistress of the Manor and I acquired our first smartphones about two months ago and immediately became confused. Well, to be honest, I was more confused than she, which is often the case, but, nevertheless, we both were asking ourselves if we had made the right decision.

We hadn’t intended to upgrade to this strange and magical technology; we went to the phone store with every intention of turning in our old dumb phones for new dumb phones. However, when the sales lady said we had racked up so many points we both could have smartphones for free, we jumped at the chance. Because free is always good, at least that’s what we thought at the time.

For a while, whenever I tried to download an app, it would show up on my iPad and on the Mistress of the Manor’s smartphone, but not on my smartphone. We finally got that straightened out, but we still have a problem. Whenever I try to retrieve my voicemail, my smartphone dials the Mistress of the Manor’s number, and when she tries to retrieve her voicemail, you guessed it, I get a call.

Although I have a number of apps downloaded on my smartphone they are not often used. I’ve used the GPS app once and listen to music at times, but that’s about it. I don’t watch YouTube videos or Netflix movies on my phone because its screen is too damn small. If someone made a phone big enough to watch movies on, I would need a wheelbarrow to tote it around.

I do, however, enjoy screwing with Siri – you readers with iPhones know what I’m talking about. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. I like asking her questions like “Who’s your daddy?” or “Didn’t you perform the dance of the Naked Spur in a bar down in Juarez?” Then, other times, we have extended conversations that become existentialist in nature.

If getting my smartphone straightened out isn’t enough of a headache, now I find that by going smart I may have doomed myself. Yes, after reading an article entitled, “6 reasons not to buy smartphone,” I am questioning whether or not I’ve made a major mistake. A couple of negatives concerning smartphones are financial since some people always want to upgrade to the latest phone available, as well as secure more and more data. New phones and more data are expensive propositions, but this doesn’t affect me because I haven’t learned to fully use the phone I’ve got, so I’m sure not going to go through some more hell with a new phone.

Another negative mentioned by the article suggests that people spend too much time on their smartphones checking mail and texting. I text at the speed of a juvenile sloth with Asperger’s so I’m more likely to just call someone – it is a phone after all – than spend a whole afternoon trying to text “Hello.” As for checking mail, well, you know that tale of woe.

However, there are other reasons why purchasing a smartphone, or cell phone of any sort, may be a bad idea. By now, I think most people know that texting and driving is dangerous. They know it and for some reason known only to God and U.S. Cellular they do it anyway. Here’s a tip people, when you’re driving, put the damn phone down and watch the road! Heck, studies have even shown it not always safe to walk and talk on a cell phone. This affects some people more than it affects others. I know. I am one of them.

But the dangers posed by cell phones go much a further. Not only are cellphones slowly killing the planet with radiation and radio waves, they may have a hand in our own demise. According to scientists with the World Health Organization, cellphones are potentially carcinogenic.

Yes, by using cell phones, we humans are potentially at risk for ills such as reduced sperm counts and brain tumors. Although a reduced sperm count would be a good thing in Rooster Edwards’ case - God knows there’s enough of his ilk running around - it’s not something that’s usually looked on as a positive. And brain tumors, well they are right out. Of course, at least there was no mention of anal leakage, so that’s a positive.

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