By Michael Howlett
March 6, 2014
Do you wish that somebody would publish a magazine that addresses your interests? Are you tired of reading about Justin Beiber’s latest run-in with the law, tired of reading about Angeline Jolie’s impending birth of an alien baby, or sick to death of reading about half-wit reality stars?
Well, if you are, I’ve discovered some magazines that you might just find interesting. You might also find them scary or possibly repulsive, but, apparently, there’s enough interest out there to warrant their publication.
The first one I’m going to address is Modern Drunkard, which has been in publication since 1996. The issue I perused included such insightful articles as “Smuggling Booze In Bloody Iraq,” “Attack Of The Hooch Haters,” and “How To Drink Like A Caveman.”
Now, the first two articles seem to have merit, but until I saw this article I didn’t realize cavemen were heavy drinkers. Oh, I knew they drank water, the blood of their enemies and sometimes their own urine, but I didn’t have any idea they were into fermented spirits, unless you count the urine. Of course, that may explain that bit about hitting women on the head with a club.
A magazine that may appeal to animal lovers is Miniature Donkey Talk, which has been published for 18 years and claims to have at least four times the circulation of any other donkey publication. The magazine’s web site states “If you don’t subscribe to Donkey Talk, then you’re not serious about donkeys!”
Those are bold statements, indeed, ones that my friend Rooster Edwards takes exception too. If there’s a man alive who knows donkeys, it’s Rooster. He is a man of deep donkey appreciation and he subscribes to Donkey Love magazine, which he claims is the best by far of any donkey publication.
There’s another magazine in the same vein, but it’s for people who really, really, really love animals. The magazine is called Sheep. Articles highlighted on the cover of the 2014 January/February edition were entitled “Lambing Positions” and “Shearing the BIGGIES.” I’m thinking those article may belong in one of those magazines kept behind the counter rather be left out on the newsstand for a kid to pick up.
The cover photo Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus on the issue of Cowboys & Indians magazine I inspected confused me somewhat. I couldn’t figure out who was the cowboy and who was the Indian. All I saw was a pitiful, one-hit wonder and a girl whose pole dancer inner self was yearning to break free.
As for the articles, two promoted in that issue were “Cowgirl Creamery Recipes” and “Open Range: High Class Cowgirl.” I’m not sure what they were about, but I bet if Miss Kitty and Matt Dillon were alive they could tell us.
Then there’s Garden and Gun; you know, for people who like to gun down things in their garden. The cover looks like a Home and Garden cover, except the pretty southern lady is aiming a shotgun at a goose, duck or possibly the second story bedroom window of her neighbor’s house. It seems somebody is there who’s not supposed to be. But the magazine is not just about killing. No, it also gives you tips on how to create your own English-style garden, which will be very beneficial when it comes time to bury you-know-who.
The final entry on this strange collection of magazines is Girls and Corpses. If you guessed this magazine contains photos of beautiful, scantily clad young beauties posing with decaying, festering corpses, you would be right. It even has an endorsement from Hannibal Lecter.
Two of the articles showcased on the cover of a recent edition are “Barn Door Mom” and “Corpse College Cuties.” Okay, we are not going to talk about the first article, but the second, who knew, there’s a college for corpses. I’m not sure what courses are offered in Corpse College, but I’m thinking entomology (bugs), osteology (bones), histology (tissue) and, of course, zombie etiquette.
So, you see, you don’t have to limit your magazine reading to what famous star is having a regular baby, an alien baby, an affair, a divorce, or which one has been arrested, abused, compromised, or diagnosed with a deadly disease, mental illness or having no scruples. No, you have options.