Supreme Court may rule on boobies

By Michael Howlett

November 6, 2013

The U.S. Supreme Court, which has ruled on such important issues as race and gender discrimination, abortion, and gay marriage, may soon be taking on the subject of boobies. Let that sink in. The highest court in the land may soon be discussing boobies.

I hope they rule in favor of boobies, but with this Supreme Court there’s no telling what decision it will render. After all, this court has struck down a series of campaign finance restrictions, which have drowned out the voice of the common man in favor of the wealthy. So, what they may do if boobies show up on the court docket is uncertain.

Now, to be honest, the court won’t be discussing boobies per se; however, they will be discussing what role boobies have in high school. Okay, that’s not exactly right, heck, we all know what role boobies have in high school. No, they will be discussing if it’s okay for boobies to be used to promote breast cancer awareness.

A couple of years ago two girls in Pennsylvania decided to challenge their school district’s ban on bracelets which read “I (heart) boobies,” by wearing them to school. The bracelets are designed to promote breast cancer awareness among young people. The bracelets, you see, work especially well with young people since girls want boobies and boys like to look at boobies. It’s a win-win.

Well, the school board forbid the girls from wearing the bracelets, saying the bracelets were lewd, so the girls sued with help from an attorney from the American Civil Liberties Union, which can always be counted on to defend boobies. Much to the school board’s chagrin, the girls won. The school board appealed the decision, but once again was shot down, this time in federal court, which upheld the lower court decision.

So now the school board is thinking it might just have to take the case to the highest court in the land to prevent these two little perverts from spreading their filth. Superintendent John Reinhardt told the media the bracelets were “cause-based marketing energized by sexual double-entendres.” Well, look at the brain on John Reinhardt.

The school district solicitor John Freund said the National School Boards Association and others are “concerned about the implications of a hyper-sexualized environment.” I need to address two things here. One, what the hell is a school district solicitor? That sounds pretty darn suspicious to me.

Secondly, it’s high school, of course there’s a hyper-sexualized environment, although it wasn’t always that way. Prior to 60s when sex was discovered, boys and girls went on their merry way, sipping sodas at the malt shop and talking about the big game. No one talked about boobies.

However, along came the turbulent 60s and talk turned to boobies and all kinds of things. There were even bra burnings, which I fully supported. Of course, nowadays with all the twerking that’s going on, I really don’t think bracelets that read “I (heart) boobies” are really going to make the atmosphere any more sexually charged than it already is. If we are to ban something, I think it should be Miley Cyrus.

Just recently a local group trying to raise awareness of breast cancer used the slogan “Howling for Hooters” to publicize its event. Its backup slogan was “Save Second Base.” Those seem more sexually charged than “I (heart) boobies,” which seems rather harmless, sort of like you’re talking about puppies.

Besides if the bracelets make just a few young people more aware of the seriousness of breast cancer, makes them realize boobies are more than just objects to be highlighted by laser pointers, the bracelets have done their job. So I say, school board members forget this silly idea of taking this matter to the Supreme Court and learn to love the boobies.