Scary events upon us

By Michael Howlett

October 30, 2013

Two very scary events are almost upon us. Tomorrow, Halloween arrives with its ghoulies and beasties and things that go bump in the night, and a few days later we go to the polls to elect a new governor. Although Halloween is the much scarier of the two for an 8-year-old, the election is much scarier for an adult. However, both are extremely scary for Rooster Edwards.

As far as Halloween goes, Rooster is dreading this one in particular. You see, this will be his first Halloween since the mysterious death of his wife, Uagina. Authorities are still not sure who or what sent Uagina into that great, unknown void, but Rooster swears evil forces were the cause.

This has put a damper on a holiday that Rooster and Uagina loved, since both adhered to the ancient Celtic belief that the dead walk the earth on All Hallows Eve. Rooster would normally have looked forward to such an event, since it would have provided him another chance to see Uagina, but that was before the changes his beloved went through during her final months on this mortal coil.

Rooster contends that Uagina began to change when she found a strange amulet in the mailbox, bearing only the notation KC, AG. Neither, at the time, knew what to make of this strange occurrence. However, it wasn’t long before Uagina began a metamorphosis, changing from a defender of the downtrodden into a person with little compassionate for the common man.

The transformation concerned Rooster since, in his thinking, he and Uagina were about as common as people could get. When she began to say things like “I think we need to stock up on automatic weapons and 30-round clips,” “Obamacare needs to be repealed,” and “Head Start is a waste of money,” he got worried. When she told their son, Bismarck, that his special friend Teddy needed to be replaced by someone of a more appropriate gender, Rooster grew very worried.

Rooster tried to converse with Uagina about these types of comments, but he only received angry replies. If he said, “Well, honey, you know I love to hunt, but I do just fine with my shotgun and rifle,” or “Honey, I don’t think Bismarck can help it if he loves Teddy,” she would go ballistic on him, calling him a socialist b …. well, a bad word.

In general, when people look at Rooster, they see a common, salt-of-the-earth type guy. He drives a beat-up, 1974 Ford pickup, complete with gun rack, sells chopped wood and Ginseng for a living, and lives in a modest four-room cabin off the beaten path. Yet, Rooster is much more enlightened than people give him credit for, which made Uagina’s angry tirades much more hurtful.

It took some work on his part, but Rooster finally uncovered the source of the strange amulet that reshaped Uagina’s views, turning her from a caring, progressive-thinking woman into a wealthy, hard-as-rock, old white man. The notation on the amulet stood for Ken Cuccinelli, attorney general.

That is why if you ask ol’ Rooster which scares him most, Halloween or the election of Cuccinelli as governor, he’ll tell you that he’s more scared of Cuccinelli than Uagina’s return or any demons she might bring with her. Cuccinelli, he says, is a bigger demon than any Uagina could round up in the netherworld.