July 31, 2013
I hadn’t planned to address this issue so soon, but it seemed wherever I went this past week, people were asking me how my diet was going, so I’ve decided to provide a sooner-than-expected update. Well friends I am happy to say I have lost 18.5 pounds in 18 days.
“Holy Richard Simmons,” you might say, “Are you starving yourself to death?” And I would reply, “Fear not, good people, I am not.” You see, I have just stopped eating or cut back drastically on all the unhealthy things which pretty made up my entire diet before I decided to get svelte. Okay, I’m not svelte just yet, but I’m getting there.
In these past 18 days, I have had just two small hamburgers, one hot dog and no pizza. In addition, I have had very little bread or alcohol, and no candy, cake or pie. On top of that, the Mistress of the Manor and I have taken to walking once or twice a day, sometimes as much as a mile at a time. Now, you might not think a mile is much, but my previous record walking distance was from my car to the couch.
Another question that’s been asked of me is, “What weight-loss plan are you using?” I’ll just say it’s a well-known plan. I plugged Xfinity in an earlier column and haven’t seen a penny from the cheap scoundrels, so no one’s getting any more free publicity until some money changes hands. You get my drift, well-known diet plan?
To be honest, it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be, but it’s not easy either, primarily because of TV. It seems like there are more advertisements for delicious, scrumptious, mouth-watering food than ever before, and I’m fed up, so to speak.
Cigarette companies can’t advertise their products, but delicious food can be pushed down our throats and everybody is just hunky-dory, okeydokey and fat as a bear. You may say, “How can you compare food with cigarettes?” This is how. Adverse health effects from cigarette smoking account for more than 440,000 deaths per year, while, get ready for it, an estimated 300,000 deaths per year may be attributable to obesity. Hey ho.
So, you see, food is just about as bad for you as tobacco, yet the TV enthusiast is constantly barraged by big, juicy burgers, pizzas heaped with cheese and pepperoni, and thick and rich hot fudge sundaes, while the tobacco lover, of which I am one, never sees the scantest puff of smoke. To top it off, you have to be 18 years old to buy cigarettes, while a mere child can purchase life-threatening food; in abundance, I might add.
So what I’m proposing is a ban on food advertisements on TV. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think advertising flour or butter or cooking spray is okay as long as a finished product, such as a delicious chocolate cake, is not shown. Companies could advertise all the products- raw beef, for example - needed to make something mouth-watering, just as long as that half-pound hamburger stays out of sight. This might make it tough on many well-known restaurants, but, hey, that’s what they get for serving up death disguised as scrumptious lasagna.
With the health of the citizens and illegal immigrants of our great nation at stake, I’m calling on Congress to take action now before it’s too late. Obesity is almost as dangerous as smoking. Lawmakers, you can stop this madness now. Say no to hamburger advertising. Say no to pizza advertising. Most of all, say no, for the love of God, please say no to the Cheetos advertising.