Pageants need a boost

June 19, 2013

The Mistress of the Manor and I watched the Miss USA Pageant for a little while Sunday night before opting for reading a book and internet scrabble. Yes, really. Now, I will admit that the part of the pageant we did watch, I probably watched a little bit closer than my beloved of over 40 years so it didn’t take me long to tab the deserved winner – Miss South Carolina – but even I grew tired of the silliness of it all.

Let’s be honest, once the swimsuit competition is over, the pageant pretty much loses all its pizzazz, at least from the male perspective. I think women like the evening gown competition because of the beautiful dresses. Then there’s the intellect section where each young lovely is asked a profound question, such as “Do you prefer your boyfriend to wear boxers or briefs.” If the question is tougher than that, most of the contestants get glassy-eyed, twitch, struggle to answer coherently, and may even drool on themselves.

Who are we kidding here? Does anybody really care what any of the contestants have to say? Well, there might be a few, but, in reality, the question portion of the competition is just a ploy to make viewers believe the pageant is more than a beauty contest. Yes, a beauty pageant. Of course, the Miss America Pageant is more of the same.

Personally, I think we need to spice up these pageants with some different competitions. One I would suggest, if asked, is called the “Plain Jane” competition. Here, the contestants must appear before the judges and the viewing audience without any makeup or hair styling. That way, we can really see what they’re made of. Heck, even with tons of makeup, there are always a couple of girls who beg the question, “Is that the best Nevada can come up with?” There was one contestant Sunday night who looked like Marsha Brady after Bobby hit her in the face with a football.

I would still have the intellect competition, but I would alter it somewhat by having the contestants do shots for three solid hours prior to the pageant. Then I would ask them a question like, “Why is Soren Kierkegaard generally considered the first existentialist philosopher, and do you agree with his philosophy, why or why not?” and let the fun ensue.

Since I noticed Sunday night during a dance number that some of the girls were rhythmically challenged, I think we need a coordination competition. It would have two parts, one, the contestants would have to perform a modern dance, a pole is optional, and, two, they would have to walk the length of the stage in four-inch heels while carrying a tray full of drinks. However, to make this more interesting, once again I would have them do shots three solid hours prior to the show.

I would also have a car parking competition, the you can take that however you want, the do-I-pay-the-light-bill-or-buy-the-most-darling-shoes competition, and the how-best-to-get-out-of-a-traffic-ticket competition. These are all important things to know.

I think these changes would not only make the Miss USA and Miss America pageants more interesting, but give us all a better idea of the contestant’s abilities. I mean we don’t want just any girl representing this great country, we need to have someone who can handle herself in all situations, sober or drunk.